What if stress isn’t the issue?
We often think of stress as the enemy—something to eliminate, manage, or push through. But what if stress isn’t the problem?
What if the issue lies in how much, how fast, and how often it comes? We’re exploring the line between healthy challenge and overwhelm, why so many of us don’t notice we’re near breaking point until it’s too late, and what can stop us dealing with stressors.
We’ll dig into the body’s natural stress responses, the impact of stress on our minds, bodies and lives, and why building a strong mind-body connection is key to feeling more balanced, resilient, and wildly alive.
Jump to the end of the article for an activity to try at home to kick start developing your mind-body connection.
And if you need a guide, you know where I am.
Why stress isn’t the issue
When we think about the word ‘stress’ we naturally think that it is an issue. That it is ‘bad’ or something to be reduced or eliminated.
Stressors are actually how we grow and adapt.
We need a certain level of stress for our muscles to stay strong, for our bones and joints to stay healthy and for our heart, lungs and brain to function effectively.
Stress, in the form of exercise, is one of the most beneficial things we can do for our bodies – benefitting almost all body systems and promoting healthy tissue regeneration.
Stress is also good for performance.
The ‘inverted U’ hypothesis proposes that a little bit of pressure leads to optimal performance, whereas too much can lead to exhaustion.
The ‘too much’ is where the problem lies
For many of us, when we talk about being ‘stressed’ we are often talking about being in a state that does not feel in balance. A state of stress that has become so distressing it is now hard to cope.
We may get told we need to toughen up, be more resilient or learn to manage stress. But what is actually happening is that there is too much, too fast, too soon and we are unable to adapt adequately.
Can you recognise ‘too much’ before it is ‘too late’?
Many people have a natural capacity to override feeling discomfort until the discomfort is so uncomfortable there is no way to ignore it.
Because of this, they don’t realise they are stressed and overwhelmed until their bodies shut down. They collapse. They are so fatigued they can’t do the things they enjoy. They experience pain, headaches or muscle tension.
Their bodies are saying ‘Stop! Enough!’ – literally yelling at them to get their attention and saying ‘no’ for them.
What’s stopping us from dealing with stressors?
In my practice, I work a lot with people who are stressed, overwhelmed and burnt out.
Often this is a difficult issue to address, because of barriers such as:
Financial constraints: They might need to stay in a job that contributes to their burnout because of financial reasons – maybe they are the sole income earner, don’t have access to leave entitlements, or they can’t reduce hours because of financial constraints.
Lack of reciprocity: They might feel like they are the only one who can or will do things around the house and are constantly giving. They might not have anyone they can ask for help, or struggle to ask for help.
The normalisation of distress: We have a culture of ‘do do do’ and ‘busy busy busy’ rather than enjoyment, downtime, and rest. This means they might never have learnt how to relax, believe that downtime is lazy or that productiveness is linked to worthiness.
Boundary issues: They might have trouble saying ‘no’, want to please others, always put themselves last, have difficulty delegating or find it tough being vulnerable enough with internal experience to express it.
Coping strategies that add to body stressors: They might use drugs, alcohol, excessive exercise, restrictive dieting or smoking to cope.
Internal beliefs about ourselves: They might feel as though they need to be a certain way, look a certain way, or meet expectations of ourselves (whether that’s from society, friends or family).
Fear/trauma/domaestic violence: They might have had adverse childhood experiences, they are too scared to slow down, stuck in trauma stress response, or have constant and persistent stressors in environment via emotional, physical, sexual abuse.
The real life impact of stress states
When we get to a point of overwhelm, exhaustion or dis-ease, our bodies are already ‘out of whack’. We are beyond the point of adaptation.
We can be so used to being at low to medium levels of stress that this state becomes normalised and we don’t even realise we are at boiling point.
When we can’t recognise lower level stress, it is much harder to come back into ‘homeostasis’ or a sense of balance in the body.
To do this, we would need much longer periods of rest and rehabilitation or longer breaks from the things that burnt us out – often as long (or longer) than the time we were overwhelmed.
This has functional implications.
We need more space and time to allow our bodies to wind down.
We need to adjust our lives in ways that mean we can not ‘do’ as much as we used to, or for as long as we used to.
We get less stuff done, which might impact our capacity to work, maintain relationships or keep up hobbies.
Day to day, this might look like a house that is less clean than you like. A smaller garden. A schedule that is not as busy with less time for friends.
This level of overwhelm impacts our sense of vitality and zest for life. It gets drained dealing with the constant stressors, which means we can lose our sense of meaning, purpose and enjoyment.
What stress means for our minds and bodies
To understand ‘stress’ we need to understand three major concepts.
Allostatic load
Nervous system regulation
Mind-Body Connection
Allostatic load is the clinical term given to what happens when we are out of balance (aka homeostasis). Usually, in our bodies we can flow in and out of states of stress/allostasis and recovery/homeostasis.
When we experience a stressor, our body responds. Once the stressor is over, we go into recovery and then back into a state of homeostasis.
When we have repeated or chronically repeated stressful stimuli without adequate periods of recovery/homeostasis, our bodies can’t adapt.
They produce stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol and these hormones continue to have widespread effects in the body.
In the literature, this is called ‘toxic stress’ or ‘oxidative stress’ and is linked to development of many chronic illness states.
When we have a high allostatic load, we can adjust to this new ‘set point’ and think this is normal.
We know that many people who have experienced significant stressors such as childhood trauma, poverty or minority stress have high levels of allostatic load and this is linked to health outcomes.
One of the keys to reducing allostatic load is nervous system regulation.
When we are under stress, our sympathetic nervous system is activated, enabling our bodies to deal with a stressor. This is what triggers the stress hormone responses.
When a stressor is over, our bodies are supposed to dial back down and come into a relaxed, open, curious and compassionate state associated with being able to rest, digest and interact.
This is the parasympathetic nervous system response.
It is automatic – we don’t get to choose how our bodies respond to a sense of threat. However, we can choose how to come back into a state of calm or learn to manage larger stressors in a bigger container.
Being able to attune to our nervous system and understand our unique barriers and ways of dealing with stressors is really important. This is what we call developing a strong mind-body connection.
It helps us to understand the difference between thoughts, feelings and sensations and tune into what is really going on so we can start working with what is underneath.
For example, when you say:
“I’m stressed and anxious”
“This is causing me a lot of stress”
“I feel stressed”
What is it that you mean?
“I am overwhelmed”?
Consider for a moment:
What is it that you are feeling?
What is it that you are experiencing inside yourself?
What tells you that you are feeling that way?
How does your body let you know that you are experiencing that?
What is your mind saying about it?
What meaning are you giving it?
Is there an emotion there?
The body speaks with sensations.
The mind develops meaning with emotions and thoughts.
Emotions are felt in the body as sensations.
Many people can notice their bodies respond with sensations to certain thoughts.
We tend to interpret what we sense (sensations) with what we feel (emotions) and what we think (meanings). This can go both ways.
Our bodies and minds are in constant communication and a ‘flow’ of communication. They have sensory input that goes up to the emotional and cognitive parts of our brain and our brains sends information back down.
When we develop a strong sense of mind-body connection and really get to know our thoughts, feelings and sensations, we have a greater capacity to understand our whole experience.
We can integrate and incorporate what is actually going on inside us and around us. We can adjust to what is happening and understand what will be the best option for us going forward. We can attune to what it is that allows us to rest, digest, relax and connect.
So we can live with more vitality. Within ourselves and with the people we love.
Something to try at home
Next time you feel something strongly (joy, happiness, stress, fear), see if you can notice how your body responds.
What can you sense inside?
When your mind labels it, how is it that you know, what is the underlying sensation?
Spend some time with it, journal about it or look up ‘sensation words’ on google or chatGPT.
Explore what it is your body is telling you.
And if you need a guide, you know where to find me.