Five things to move from conflict to clarity — and how clariyfing your values can help you make decisions.
Over the last couple of months, I’ve written about how feeling safe (within ourselves and our environment) and mentally spacious helps us develop clarity of mind.
This month, I want to explore another element that often clouds our clarity: conflict.
Not the conflict you have with other people – but the quiet, inner conflict you can have within yourself.
It might be the part of you that longs for rest, while another insists you should be productive.
Or the part that wants connection, while another fears being vulnerable with another person.
Or the part that chooses duty over joy, even when joy is what you crave.
We’ve all felt it – the tug of different values, needs or expectations pulling us in opposite directions.
Sometimes these are small things – putting off a work task to scroll on Instagram.
And sometimes these are big – staying in a career that doesn’t fulfill you because it’s what you’ve been told success looks like.
Regardless of the size of this conflict, recognising, understanding and honouring our values can be vital in helping us navigate them.
There are five things that I believe are important for this.
Today, I experienced my own inner conflict.
My Business Administration Assistant, Bel, and I have started a ‘Tea Tasting Bonanza’ as we trial new tea flavours for my private practice - eluceo. We taste, we laugh, we write flamboyant critiques of the tea in a spreadsheet. It is joyful.
Today, I need to write this article by 5pm so it can be distributed for marketing.
I know I should write this article because I believe it supports my business goals.
I have made a commitment to do the thing.
And a large part of me enjoys sharing my knowledge in this way.
Here is my inner conflict – part of me knows I should sit down and honour my commitment to writing, while another part of me just wants to drink tea and laugh with Bel.
The thing is, both of these parts matter. Because I value fun and connection, and I also value education and following through.
This is admittedly, a fairly mundane conflict, but it shows us how values clarification and knowing ourselves can be a powerful tool.
Values clarification is the process of noticing what matters most to you, and allowing it to help guide your decisions. When you know your values, you can see why you’re conflicted – and begin to find a clear path forward.
In my work, I often see inner conflict showing up in the “shoulds.”
I should treat my body better.
I should work harder.
I should be more present, more productive, more everything.
But the “shoulds” rarely reflect what actually nourishes us. Instead, they can reflect beliefs or expectations you have of yourself or have taken on from others – the world around you, your culture, the way you were raised, your family, your workplaces, your social circle, and even popular trends and social media.
You might feel conflicted about how you want others to see you or the way you wish you were, if it doesn’t align with the way you actually are.
And when your choices are guided by “shoulds” rather than your core personal values, it creates tension between who you are and how you live.
You might have trouble making decisions.
You might feel stuck in a situation that feels overwhelming.
You might feel unable to solve a problem or take action.
You might simply have trouble recognising what a ‘no’ or ‘yes’ feels like in your life/body.
It might be that you are so unaware of what’s going on within your thoughts and feelings, that you can’t see the conflict at all – only feel it.
So how do we begin to move from conflict and confusion to clarity?
There are five things I believe are valuable for solving this:
Awareness – notice your thoughts, feelings and body sensations.
Clarify your values – what deeply matters to you?
Ask – what is most important right here and now?
Recognise your patterns – what usually happens if you follow path A or B?
Explore negotiation – is there a way both values can be honoured?
Why does this help?
We can recognise what is happening because we are aware of our thoughts, feelings and sensations (and these tell us how and when different parts of us are in conflict). For example, conflict often shows up first in the body – with a tight throat, shallow breath, tension in the gut. Right now, I feel tight in my chest when I think about putting off writing this email.
We have a framework for making decisions because we understand what is important to us. For example, I know that I value both making time for joy AND getting things done.
We can balance any conflicting values by prioritising what is most important right this moment. For example, I have a deadline for this email, but not for tea tasting.
We can make decisions informed by our past actions because we understand them and how we respond to certain situations. For example, I know my usual pattern is to leave this email to the last minute and work under pressure, which is uncomfortable for me. I also won’t enjoy tea time as much knowing I have work to do later.
We can consider how to honour all parts of ourselves. For example, I can write the email now, which leaves me feeling free to fully embrace having fun later.
This isn’t about making perfect choices. It’s about living more in alignment with what truly matters to you, so you can find greater ease, clarity and spaciousness.
So how can we figure out our own values?
First, find some values to explore. Here's a list of 100 values I’ve created for you.
Go through them and highlight the ones that immediately jump out at you.
Group them into similar categories in a way that makes sense for you.
Give the group a name, or pick one value that best represents that group.
Repeat this process until you have five or six core values that you strongly resonate with.
With these in mind, see if you can start to notice how your values interact in times of conflict. Do they butt up against each other? Is one more important than the other in the here and now? Is there a way to help satisfy them both?
Sometimes, values conflict can feel small, like choosing between work and play.
But often it runs deeper: Should I stay or leave this role or relationship? Do I choose job security or creative freedom? Do I continue to put others’ needs first, or carve out time and space to honour my own, understanding that it might cause conflict in my relationships?
These are the kinds of questions I support people with every day.
Together, we explore inner conflict with compassion and use values clarification as a tool to reconnect with what matters most – in your health, your relationships and your life.
If you’d like support in finding your own clarity, you know where to find me.